All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
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I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
I hate it when a man uses me for sex and conversations and raising children and growing old together
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
If my ex had an autobiography it would be called “Mein Cramps”
What, did you NOT SEE that one coming?
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
Eating Doritos is fun, but there’s always that one that gets in your mouth and decides it’s not gonna die without putting up a fight, so it stands up and pokes you in the gums.
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle
[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
Fall is here! I can finally start burning my pumpkin cinnamon cupcake cranberry apple pie walk in the snow vanilla snickerdoodle flannel scented candle without feeling like a psychopath
RIGHT?
I only use balsamic vinegar made from the finest of ballsams.
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?