@Carbosly I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
@JennyJohnsonHi5 All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
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@Carbosly 
@rickolantern They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
@CVTBaby Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
@aimlessamers I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
@AllanForsyth A ceiling fan? Not before I visited the Sistine Chapel, I wasn’t.
@JCWisdomNuggets “Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
@imteddybless us women should leave something 2 the imagination. for example it should always be unclear whether ur human or a mysterious glowing vapour
@EthnicSteve Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
@sf14 Make sure you don’t forget the ‘R’ when you’re Googling, “movies of Gary Oldman.”
@tmckenna1 “Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season