All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
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*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
*4yo son, crying*
I’m sorry! How was I supposed to know I wasn’t supposed to cook the macaroni necklace?
*sigh*
Parenting is hard.
Mere moments after taking screen time away from my 6yr old as punishment I realized my grave mistake, the person really being punished was me.
If you’re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
My toddler is legit angry at me because I wouldn’t let her jump out a second story window today. This is why you need birth control ladies.
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
Boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go.
Me: Really? That’s not what these pics of you and your secretary said. They said I need a raise.
You don’t even want to know what people have used the ice tongs in your hotel room for.
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
Stand up. Yell, “I OBJECT!” Moonwalk past the bailiff out the side door, finger guns ablaze. PEW PEW PEW!
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.