Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My dad worked on a car assembly line for 40 years. He retired years ago but still struggles with post pneumatic press disorder.

I thought “man cannot live on bread alone” was some sort of TikTok challenge.

And I think I’m winning.

me: *listening to the new song I like 4,000 times on repeat*

the ghost I don’t know lives in my apartment: *trying to hang himself but he’s already dead*

My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.

[sloth wedding]

“I”

[six months later]

“do.”

Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!

Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?

…

CIA: They’re*

MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.

Don’t even get into my car if you’re just gonna scream every time I hit someone.

When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him

It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.

[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine

Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?

Her:

Me:

Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.

ME: Yeah, I’ve heard that movie.

FRIEND: You mean ‘seen’ that movie.

ME: Ha ha. No! I’m on twitter. I haven’t seen a movie in 3 years.

[Dog doing something I don’t want him to do]

Me: No

Dog: “Dear Sir or Madam: Thank you for your thoughts on the matter. We shall take them under advisement.”

Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.

there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial

I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.

Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog

If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.

teacher: can anyone tell me what poor mental health looks like

me *raises hand*

teacher: yes good example

So sick of all these stupid rules

If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.

Worrying that Disney will ruin Star Wars is like worrying that a second iceberg will dive down to hit the Titanic.

evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts

Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?

GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II

ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya

I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.

In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.

Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.