All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
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Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
Men in suits look really successful until you find out they work for the men in T-shirts and jeans
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
*spits out coffee* VERB IS A NOUN
eavesdropping at a coffee shop to this girl talking for an HOUR STRAIGHT about how she can’t find a good man and she hasn’t let her friend say even a single WORD. like sweetheart the call is coming from inside the house
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
Awesome parenting 😂
Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
ME: Oh, Sky Butler, help me in my hour of need.
GOD: I told you to stop calling me that.
ME: Okay, but I can’t find my keys.
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.