All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
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Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
Why is it called an avalanche and not buried at ski?
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
The first fireman to get called to rescue a cat in a tree must have had the hose wrestled from him before someone told him to get a ladder.
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
Ronald McDonald and the Burger King have been battling each other for decades. Which is odd, because you’d expect it to have been a *looks at camera* FAST FEUD
The night the balaclavas slithered out of the sewers and slid onto the heads of unsuspecting sleepers who got up and broke into the empty houses of neighbors who were out breaking into other houses and in the morning we all woke up groggy wondering why we had new living room sets
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.