All the rooms in this asthma clinic offer breathtaking views.
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If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
[At the therapists]
Me: Doc, I think I’m finally over my fear of the supernatural.
Therapist: That’s the spirit!
Me: Holy shit! Where?
I accidentally bump into a man.
He yells, “What’s your problem, lady?!”
I stare at him. I do not know which problem he is referring to. I have so many.
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
British meanings of “you look well”
1. You look well
2. You looked particularly bad when we last met and you’ve improved since then
3. You look larger than last time
4. We both know you’re looking unwell but I’m trying to make you feel better about it
5. I can’t remember who…
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
sometimes when I think that I might be about to do something stupid or ill-advised, I think of grandma’s last words to me: “don’t unplug that”
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
Me: I’m older and wider
Them: don’t you mean “wiser”
Me: nope
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
me: i recently lost my job
date: oh no what happened
me: the office relocated and i can’t find it
I like having younger friends. They’re fun, energetic, adventurous, and then they recommend going out after 8 PM and I’m like, this friendship has run its course.
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes