All these girls tweeting about going braless & I’m just over here on my back trying not to look like I have 2 bald guys in a headlock.
You Might Also Like
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
What if we made sidewalks into trampolines? Fun and springy to walk on, and if someone looks at you wrong you can always bounce them into tomorrow.
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
Me: I’m in the thick of a lovely assortment of perimenopausal symptoms; my body now has the ability to go from zero to inferno in a matter of seconds.
Telemarketer: I’ll just go ahead and put you on the do-not-contact list.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
“building-building building building building-building building”
(translatiom: structur-making tower makimg another structure-making tower)
BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
There’s a cat curled up on my pillow, and I’d probably be a lot more cool with that if I actually owned a cat.
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
I climbed on this seesaw with Rick Astley 3 hours ago.
*sigh
He’s never gonna let me down.
National Ex Spouse Day fell in the middle of Serial Killer Week, coincidence?
Sometimes when life closes one door it opens another, because apparently life is trying to air condition the whole damned neighborhood.
What is the appropriate age to tell your child that you’ve given up on them?
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?