All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
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Me: goodnight moon
Warren Moon: how did you get in my house?
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Clark Kent: kryptonite
Interviewer: right, what’s your kryptonite?
Clark Kent: ohhhh I see what you mean. Chips and salsa
Nigella has gone too far this time.
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
Why is the floor squeaking upstairs; does the cat weigh that much? Jeezus I hope the cat weighs that much.
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Why did the chicken go to the gym?
To work on his pecks.
-Conspiracy theorists: The moon landings were fake.
-Me: I know!!! The moon doesn’t exist.
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
The other night enough comedian friends complimented my sweater that I became certain they were making fun of me.
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
Hypnotist: *you are getting sleepy*
Me: I can’t be hypnotized, man
Hypnotist: *waves plate of nachos before my eyes*
Me: touché
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
People be like “do what makes you happy” and then complain when I’m drunk again
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?