All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
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Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
Morning my dudes.
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice shame on me. Try to fool me three times, I bite you
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
Murderer: If you correct my grammar once more, I’ll kill you
Me: But I couldn’t stop myself
Murderer: But you could of
Me: oh no
We all started out as eggs here.
Apparently, some just end up cracking.
This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.
Life is as good or as bad as you make it. Take responsibility for your choices, including how you feel about a situation. And breathe.
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle
Guess who I bumped into on the way to see my eye doctor?
Everyone…
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.