All these pregnancy photos are so annoying. It’s like, “Ugh, we get it, you ate a baby.”
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“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
Coffee so good it helps a little old lady cross the street.
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
This hand cream is expired, but it tastes completely fine.
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
*a dog sits down at a roulette table and pushes his life savings in chips to the center*
Put it all on Grey
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.