All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
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Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
Be kind. Everyone is going through something. Heartache. Financial stress. Their bananas ripened too quickly. Having the song from the Jardiance commercial stuck in their head because it’s aired 5 million times a day.
We all have our battles to fight.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
This is how techno is made if you didn’t already know
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
Hello sweatpants my old friend, I’m going to dine in you again
Not today. 😅
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
my back wasn’t made for hard labor*
*getting out of bed.
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
I’ve been cutting my own hair for eight years. I didn’t expect it to take this long. I’ve missed out on so much.
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
[Premiere of A River Runs Through It]
Beavers: Booooo!
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.