All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
You Might Also Like
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
[me, from cold stone] launch the missiles
Reminder: Before taking your first bite into a fast food sandwich you need to redistribute the pickles.
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
Have kids so you can get weird compliments like “You look nice in that dress, like a Saturday raisin.”
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
Running your mouth is not cardio.
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.