all toddlers look the same when telling a story
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Breathe in deeply, eat a rotisserie chicken, breathe out.
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
GF: I’m breaking up with you
Me: *folding socks lengthwise* but why
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
Oh, you’re a politician? Name all the politics
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
Me: my wife says I catastrophize everything
Therapist: *chuckling* how is she doing?
Me: I don’t know she hasn’t returned my texts for over five minutes I think she’s dead
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
[i arrive in hell]
Satan: welcome
Me: thanks what’s with the fork lol
Satan: it’s a pitchfork shut up
Me: ooo i’m so scared what are u gonna do eat a big salad lmao
Satan:
Me:
Satan:
[i arrive in super hell]
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
Shouldn’t elevators have a different name for the trip back down?
“Dora” only rhymes with “Explorer” if you’re from Long Island, New York
3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?