All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
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If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
My Plans 2020
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait
I take the Benadryl to fight the allergies.
I take the coffee to fight the Benadryl.
I take the whiskey to fight the coffee.
I pet the cat because the whiskey makes me forgetful.
The cat gives me the allergies…
♾
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
Dragon fire can’t melt stone pillars. King’s Landing was an inside job.
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
If you piss me off bad enough and tell me to leave you alone, I will take 30 Adderall and send you cat pictures every 3 minutes for 6 days.
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.