All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
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Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
CORONA VIRUS TIP:
If you have a donut in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face or shake hands.
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
Honey, I’m afraid we can’t get married anymore. weed_hitler69 just told me I was gay.
*looks at Xbox*
Thank you sir. You’ve changed my life.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
Hello Twits.
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
Ask her if she’s sure she doesn’t want to order a salad… Girls love to be called fat!
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
I feel like one of these would kill a European
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
My dad was bragging about his hearing aid. State of the art, he said. Cost me a fortune. Awesome, I said, what type is it? Two thirty, he replied.