All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
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Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
Are you ok, human???
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
I’m in a long distance relationship. My girlfriend’s in the future.
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.