All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
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If you hold the door open for me when I’m more than ten feet away, you aren’t doing me a favor. You’re making me exercise.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
[ Dracula opens freezer ]
Her: What are you doing with my tampons?
Dracula: Making popsicles
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
Me: Would you like chopsticks or a fork
My son: No thanks
Welcome to adulthood. Your body now crackles like a carnival glow stick when you get up.
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
Nobody:
Midwesterners: why would I fly when it’s only a 14 hour drive?
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
Me: I’d like you to fudge some numbers please.
Accountant: First, that’s illegal. Second, this is your calorie counting app.
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
When I was young I really thought that people in their 40s were old and now that I’m in my 40s I can say that I was right
if this pandemic happened in the 80s my mom would’ve sent us out to play with plastic bags over our heads and oven mitts