All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
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I had sex twice in 24hours and I’m so glad that I have 4000 people to brag about it to
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
*uses the chicken dance as an emotional defense mechanism*
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
Look out. The Guest Who Wants to Help in the Kitchen has arrived. She is me and she does nothing well.
There’s no “I” in angel.
But there is one in devil!
what kind of cook setting is this??
ME: how can i prepare for my date
FRIEND: get her some flowers. roses, orchids
ME: definitely roses, we’re not ready for kids yet
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
TWEET CALL
Thank you to 15k of you who followed me for one reason or another! Please share one tweet from you or a friend and please consider donating to this friend of mine. She is in a bad place and trying to get out, please share if you can ❤️
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
Hey it’s cool we’re dating and all but when do I get to… you know…
(whispers) boop your nose?
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
Women! You will no doubt have been gifted, over the years, approximately 15,000 gift soaps as panic-buy last-minute presents over the years.
Guilt will have compelled you to keep them all, rendering one drawer an overwhelming grotto of bergamot and lavender. Now is your moment.
How to properly lift a body
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old