All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
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me at age 5: if I get a million dollars ill buy a yacht and 14 trampolines
me at age 25: if I get a million dollars ill go to the dentist and pay for express shipping on stuff
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
You know how we used to be scared of monsters grabbing our legs from under the bed?
Meet my cat.
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
DATE: Tell me something most people dont know about you
ME: [leans across table and gets right next to her ear] I DONT KNOW HOW TO WHISPER
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
Alarm clock set for 6:00 am
Bladder set for 5:54 am
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
“Up for anything unless my gout flares up.”
– from my dating profile
I’m like Jason Bourne, only I’m not looking for exits in each room.. I’m looking for outlets & phone chargers.
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.