Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….

Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA

When Sting dies I’m calling him Stung.

baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”

this is from a book called the bible

*Food arrives*

*Waits 3 days*

*Slowly takes bite of food*

*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*

HOW IS EVERYTHING??

Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?

Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.

Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…

Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.

My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.

astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars

mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-

astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars

mission control: shit

My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.

Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.

[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.

*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*

“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”

I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.

Comedy booker: how much time can you do?

Me: I have an hour

Comedy booker: there might be children there

Me: I have 7 seconds

5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating

Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶

Optometrist: “You need glasses.”

a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon

GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II

ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya

Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.

Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching you

Dogs

Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded

Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud

breaking news! ufo caught on tape!!!!!

the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk

I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.

And I’ve started drinking for evil.

Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.

I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.

Every Batman actor should have to audition with this scene.