All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
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Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
Facebook: I’m happy!
Instagram: I’m pretty!
Vine: I’m artsy!
Pinterest: I’m crafty!
Twitter: I’m lying everywhere but here.
Sochi is doing that thing where they manically try to clean the house 10 minutes before company arrives. But the house is Russia.
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
If birds started attacking me I’d just hold up a window and let them fly into it
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
I before E except when you run a feisty heist on a weird beige foreign neighbour.
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
so unrealistic when scary movies show an empty rocking chair rocking back and forth. there should be a pile of laundry on it
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!