All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
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[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
*ordering from the neighborhood Saudi restaurant*
Me: I’ll have a quart of the Chicken dump truck with a side of She is suspicious of cheese.
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
the cashier at taco bell gave me the senior discount without asking me. I’m 38.
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.
Bad Coroner: This guy you brought in a few days ago, I think I know how he died. The last thing he ate was spaghetti with bullets in it.
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
When you go to buy fire insurance for your house, don’t tell them you need it by a certain date.
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Don’t even show up to that.
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
Grandma: It’s funny how often on TV shows people hallucinate with dead loved ones
Me: how’d you get out of the casket
i once dated a professional hockey player from Sweden and one night he called me and asked “you up?” so i drove over excited and when i got there he asked me if i could balance his checkbook.
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?