all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
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waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
Me: OH MY GOD I鈥橫 BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
i鈥檓 left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
Please lower gas prices, I’m not built for onlyfans
*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today
Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I鈥檇 love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
Every husband sings this song 馃槀馃ぃ馃槀 馃ぃ馃槀馃ぃ
The ending is priceless 馃槅馃槅馃槅
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
Who.
Did.
This?
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you鈥檙e killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
they should make stand up horror. i鈥檓 tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don鈥檛 have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying