“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
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Someone in this marriage has to be able to smell natural gas leaks and since *someone* had a lab accident I guess it’s going to be me.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow
Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
INTERVIEWER: what’s a skill you want to improve?
ME: to realize when someone isn’t talking to me
JOE: uh…Excel
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
[pulls into taco bell drive thru]
Hi, I’d like enough tacos to forget 2016
Skills
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
me: I should probably wait to work out, I just ate
gym tour guide: how did you find the breakroom so fast
Jesus: This is my body
Peter: That’s bread
Jesus: It’s a metaphor dude
Peter: Oh so you’ve been talking in metaphor
Jesus: Sometimes I am Sometimes I’m being literal
Peter: How will we know the difference?
Jesus: It’s easy. If you get something wrong you just go to hell
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
[Commercial]
*Camera focuses on a man choking on a whole apple*
Narrator: “If only there was a better way?”
[On Screen Caption]
TEETH
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
Just want everyone to know this morning I won the argument I was having with someone in my head while in the shower. Feeling good about today
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.