All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
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when I was 9 I thought anyone who preferred strawberry ice cream was weird and sad and now I love strawberry ice cream so I was right
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
Shark week, but for squirrels.
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
her: why is the cat so sparkly?
me: I think she looks fabulous.
her: WHAT DID YOU PUT IN THE LITTER BOX?
me: you mean the glitter box?
I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
Me: I look like shit today.
Shit: you wish buddy.
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
My son only asks my opinion so he can do the opposite, apparently.
The only equipped I am is ill.
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
ME: I dreamed about you last night
PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
“One box of murder hornets, please. And yes, it’s a gift.”
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now