@daemonic3 The real reason the Mayan civilization collapsed is they never updated their Adobe.
@ghostkrogh alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
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@daemonic3 
@peachesanscream You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
@DVSblast A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
@cjwerleman I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
@curlycomedy Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
@antheanton You can either clean your home before guests arrive or hand them a tequila shot as soon as they arrive.
Shots it is!
@AndyRichter Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
@dadmann_walking me, making small talk: so. i see you also have a face.
@Fred_Delicious Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
@sarousti Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest