@david8hughes

[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”

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@OhNoSheTwitnt

News: Hillary won the debate!

My friends: Bernie won the debate!

Trump: I won the debate!

Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!

@david8hughes

[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets

@OH_GAWD_OF_FUNK

Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…

John Mayer first drafts.

@TheToddWilliams

[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this

@kimtopher22

I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.

@POTerritory

General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.

@robdelaney

Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?

@LuvPug

I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway

@MyDaughtersArmy

The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.