@OhNoSheTwitnt News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
@david8hughes [alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
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@OhNoSheTwitnt @david8hughes [date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
@OH_GAWD_OF_FUNK Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
@TheToddWilliams [boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
@Willie1derful Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
@kimtopher22 I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
@POTerritory General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
@robdelaney Should my wife be taking this long to finish the corn maze she entered on Halloween?
@LuvPug I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
@MyDaughtersArmy The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
