Alligators sewing little pictures of rich white people on their shirts.
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If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?
Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
The main reason I don’t want to monetise my Twitter in any way isn’t so much on principle but more out of the shame I would feel if I had to disclose “low quality anonymous shitposting” to the Tax Office all for $4.50 in annual profits
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
I’m not racist. White people scare me too.
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
my ex has had a really hard time moving on. from what i can tell through his blinds, he is currently eating (something we always did)
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
I never understand women. One minute they love guys who play the guitar, one minute they are chasing me out of the women’s restroom.
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
Awwwww shit.
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”