ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
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That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
lmao i’m in boston and you’re telling me they really talk like this??? i thought everyone was just doing a bit to make fun of mark wahlberg
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Who called it the milk crate challenge and not broke back mountain
me: [placing 20 bags of pizza rolls onto counter]
cashier: getting ready for the big snow storm?
me: snow storm?
Remember kids, don’t light your own fireworks. Have the adults who have been drinking all damn day do it.
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
Horrifying if literal: shit storm