Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
You Might Also Like
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
At Walmart during the holidays like..
Wife: when did we get a new dishwasher
Me: u said change the dishwasher & stack the baby
Wife: how do u stack a baby
Me: u get other babies
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
I don’t use chocolate chip cookies to solve my problems, only treat the symptoms.