Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
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I’m really enjoying that the innate desire to deploy awful people into space has finally started to become a reality
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
TRAPEZE ARTIST: I couldn’t live without it
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
You’re not impressing anyone, server who didn’t write down our orders. You’re just making us anxious.
Son: It’s spring break, what are we doing?
Me: Working, “we” are working.
Him: I’d go to the end of the world for you!
Me: Well… what are you waiting for then?
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
Safe travels to all the parents heading out to buy the batteries they didn’t know they needed.
Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
[third date]
Her: please quit calling me Jenny
Me: oh my apologies Jennifer
Her: my name is Amanda
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
WIFE: The neighbours are having a big Star Wars themed party.
ME: A Boba Fete.
HER: You’re not invited.
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
you, an idiot: It’s pronounced worcestershire.
me, an intellectual and foodie: Actually, it’s pronounced worcestershire.