Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
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You meander, aberrate, divagate, circumlocute, ramble, drift, veer, swerve, wander, range, stray, rove, deviate, maunder, but I digress.
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
Tell me a hiccup remedy that works, and why is it holding your breath until you see stars, passing out, waking up in a dark alley in Bangkok where you’re signing the life of your first born son over to the hiccup gods.
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you