Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
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If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
When beer and cheese isn’t the answer… Change the question
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
client: i’m nervous
attorney: relax
prosecutor: the defendant is guilty
attorney: oh my god [looks at client]
client: what
attorney: you said you were innocent
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
how long have you had this for?
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
My 7 year old asked me if he could have a poster of an “artist named Eminem” and I flexed on him by telling him how I saw Eminem live in his hometown of Detroit.
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
I’m not religious, but if someone is turning water into wine, let’s take a second look.
*Me, getting my arm bitten off during a zombie apocalypse*
5: *crying*
Me: It’s okay, son.
5: You said you were gonna get me a snack.
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.