Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
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Back in my day the only time we started panic buying is when the bartender yelled out “last orders” and rang that little bell……
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
Crying is a sign of leakness.
Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
i saw someone say on facebook once, very seriously, that irish dancing was invented as a form of resistance against the english so the irish could be hiding behind bushes and the english wouldn’t be able to see that they were dancing with their legs.
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
her: that lion is charging
me: hang on [googling] our escape velocity is its distance divided by its speed, then add
her: ok it has my leg, now what
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once