Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
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Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
The car in front of me didn’t go when the light turned green, so I honked.
She mouthed “thank you.”
Okay, it wasn’t “thank”you, but I pretended it was.
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
I want to jump in a time machine, find the person who decided the work week should be 5 days and the weekends only 2, smack them across the face, and come home.
Every Sunday is superbowel if you eat enough chili
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great what he really means is “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.