Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
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We’re gonna party like its 1999.
//breaks out Nokia flip phone and starts to panick about Y2K//
Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”
Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”
Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”
Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
If Google can’t find the answer, it’s not a question.
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
I don’t know why people say Twitter isn’t a dating app. I’ve encountered plenty of available married men here.
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere