Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
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OK hear me out on this: a baseball throwing machine, but instead, it shoots out pancakes that you catch with your mouth. 😋
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
My dentist is a nice guy but he asks the dumbest questions. Um, yeah, I think I’ve heard of a toothbrush!
WHY IS THAT COTTON CANDY TALKING?!
“Grandma, that’s Niki Minaj.”
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
You look like the kind of girl who would break my heart.
I have a boyfriend.
See, you’re done it already.
Just put bacon grease in my wax warmer and now Matha Stewart is calling me for tips
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
“Great, now I have to pee.”
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
A midwife is just the wife between your first and third one
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
SCHRÖDINGER: *Kneels down* Hey buddy, so… I have some news about your cat.
SON: Is it good news or bad news?
SCHRÖDINGER: Yes.
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”