almost feel bad for the wealthy folks that gotta buy things like cobwebs and rats and bats and haunted skeletons of their landlord to decorate their house for Halloween I got all that for free
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[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
Really, iTunes? You need to update my calculator app? Have there been changes to basic math that I’m unaware of?
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
I don’t see what the big deal is with vaccinating your kids. My mom vaccinated me plenty and I turned out shapes.
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
Wearing pigtails to relive my youth and scare men when I turn around.
the pasta portion size at kourtney kardashian’s wedding is the one of the saddest things i’ve ever seen
To date, my most successful weight loss programs have been heartbreak, pneumonia and botulism.
[stopped by cop]
Cop: License & registration
Me *slurring my words*
Cop: Have you been drinking sir?
Me: No, this is just who I am b4 coffee
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
Phone
Mom: Didn’t mean to wake you earlier.
Me: It’s okay. I’m up.
Mom: I need to have a hard discussion with you. How’s your brain working? Are you feeling awake now?
Me: No, I was wrong. I’m asleep.
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
A tropical depression is just like a regular depression. Except instead of being unable to get out of bed, you can’t get out of a hammock.
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
Parenting is panicking when your kids are loud, and panicking when they’re quiet
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity