Almost fell down the stairs. Will try again tomorrow.
You Might Also Like
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶
Establish dominance at a restaurant by bringing your own menu.
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
.
.
.
.
.
.
He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
So guy walks up to me and puts his fist out for a bump and somehow I reach out, grab it and shake slightly.
If you need me I’ll be behind hiding my couch forever..
“A cantaloupe is an antelope that doesn’t.”
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns
“midlife crisis” buddy i’m having a whole life crisis
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
My unemployed friends on a Wednesday at 1:30pm
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
I treat the Steam store like the fridge.
I keep opening it to look even though I know there’s nothing in there I want.
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now