Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
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If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
Tonight I yelled, “YOU ARE NOT A ZOMBIE. YOU ARE DOING HOMEWORK,” so everything’s pretty normal here.
[cat and dog meet for negotiations]
Mediator: We’re just beginning this process, so right now everything is on the table.
Cat: *smiles*
Dog: Oh no.
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
Waiter: how did u find your meal
Me: *sweating* i…i looked down
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
“You got any plans tonight?”
Me: Yeah, sorry I do
The plans:
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
Imagine your card declining at a bar and they squeeze all the alcohol out of you like a lemon
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
As everyone is watching in horror what I did to that pinata, I realized that’s not how you’re supposed to get to the candy.
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.