Almost nailed it! 😂🤣
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Every. Damn. Time.
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
I wear my wedding ring everyday so I know my right hand from my left hand, incase the man of my dreams asks me for directions.
If you believe you can pass a drug test by drinking large amounts of water, you’re just diluting yourself.
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
Who wants to be my Valentine?
[1 year 4 months since Totino’s changed their frozen pizza shape from circle to rectangle]
ME: *sigh*
HER: still mad at Totino’s?
M: yeah
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
AN INSANE PERSON: I want to drink vegetables
THE MAKERS OF V8: Hey
Surprised my wife with French fries. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the fridge.
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
I have never “lit up a room” unless you count arson.