Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Monday again. I just knew this would happen

I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.

Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.

Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.

My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.

Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.

Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car

Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG

not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?

So apparently a doctor’s note doesn’t get you out of work for multiple years

STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST

1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy

Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.

her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin

me:

her:

me: i’m taking a plane, Karen

{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go

I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.

Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no

[pulled over]

COP: Did you know you were speeding?

ME: I didn’t even know I was driving

COP: Out

ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife

ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot

me: my pasta salad is cold

waiter: it’s meant to be

me: I think you’re cute too but let’s get this pasta problem figured out first

thank god I have a cat. who else is gonna shit in this box I have

I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.

PRIEST: do you have the ring

ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd

Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now

i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve

KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU

ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]

An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth. But a tooth is worth half an eye, so an eye for two teeth also works, if you’re out of eyes.

I bought 2 bird feeders and now my husband is actually frustrated there are “so many birds” in the backyard.

Who gets angry at birds eating free food from a wooden house? My delightful husband, that’s who.

Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?

As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.

having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex