Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
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You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
Me: Can we discuss my X-ray?
Doctor: We can try, but I never met him
I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
Wait, so when couples are in custody battles it’s to KEEP the kids? #WTF
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
Dance like theres no tomorrow OH MY GOD THERES NO TOMORROW WHY ARE WE DANCING
It’s getting harder and harder for movie theatres to compete with home viewing options. They need to adapt to stay relevant. One suggestion: if you zone out and miss what’s happening you should be able to yell at the projectionist and get them to rewind the movie for you a bit
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
Shit, I just wasted a good corn dog, by eating It with no guys around.
“I see you’ve been eating whatever you want and not exercising.” -Clothes
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
January 1: GONNA WORK OUT EVERYDAY
January 2: [works out]
Jan 3: [kind of works out]
Jan 4: [too busy to work out]
Jan 5: VANITY IS BULLSHIT
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009