Alright hear me out: gigs in the morning. 8am doors, 9am showtime. Coffee at the bar. Church shouldn’t get to corner the market on morning entertainment anymore.
You Might Also Like
i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
lmaaaaaooooooooo
No thank you, I don’t need a coaster. I won’t be putting my drink down.
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
Things I learned today:
1) Gel is not short for jelly
2) KY isn’t an acronym for “Krazy Yummy”
3) I’m not allowed to make my own lunch
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
*about to kiss girl*
*butterflies in my stomach*
*I vomit, thousands of butterflies fly out*
*they pick up the girl and fly away*
Man not ag
A choir of Spring onions
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
I used to wait for hrs with my finger on the record button of a boom box after requesting a song on the radio. I’m familiar with commitment.
Thinking about going to 50 Shades and eating loudly the whole time.
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
I like how people say “manage your depression” like it’s a stock portfolio but you’re heavily invested in sadness
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.