Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
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My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
‘You have a PhD!’ I whisper encouragingly to myself as I creep, terrified, towards the spider [I don’t, but the spider doesn’t know this]
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
Me: Do you have any wrongdog?
“Ugh fine what’s wrongdog”
Me: thank you so much for asking I’m doing terrible
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
They got a point!
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
Ruin a perfectly nice trip out with your child by bringing your child.
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner