@ThisOneSayz

Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.

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@KalvinMacleod

ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo

KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*

ME: holy shit

@QwertyJones3

Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!

Cat: I just want to be friends.

@maxverygoodboy

*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear

@dumbbeezie

Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year

@bobvulfov

[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo

@larryandpaul

⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.

🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:

@T_N_Crumpets

Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure

@eff_yeah_steph

Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?

God: Yes.

Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?

God: Horizontal Pupils

Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*

God: YouTube is gonna love you.

@papasuncle

Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.