@KalvinMacleod ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
@ThisOneSayz Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
You Might Also Like
@KalvinMacleod 
@QwertyJones3 Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
@maxverygoodboy *Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
@dumbbeezie Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
@bobvulfov [posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
@larryandpaul ⭐️ LATEST SKETCH: The Met Police Investigate.
🎥 FULL SKETCH HERE:
@T_N_Crumpets Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
@eff_yeah_steph Goat: So, I make a ridiculous sound?
God: Yes.
Goat: Anything else weird I should know about?
God: Horizontal Pupils
Goat: What the- *stiffens, falls sideways*
God: YouTube is gonna love you.
@papasuncle Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
@meencantalapina If I get hurt playing Wii Sports, that’s still a sports injury, right?