Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
You Might Also Like
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
Make your own “restaurant style” salsa by adding water to regular salsa.
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
Who’s ready for Friday?!
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
Punctuation Matters. Period.
“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Banned from driving.
[a handsome man falls and cuts his hand]
Me: *tries to rip the hem of my dress to make a bandage, like a Regency heroine, but I’m too weak*
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
I’m not saying I don’t love it when my 5yo asks for a hug, I just wish she didn’t always wait until she’s mid-poop to ask.
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
Feeling lazier than the guy who named the anteater
“What’s this thing eat? Cool.”
All of these stories about missing campers.
Nobody has ever gone missing sitting on their couch.
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
Instill fear in your spouse by telling them they talk in their sleep.
23. the denim jacket
Me: *drops toddler off at gym daycare*
DC: Which room will you be working out in?
Me: None of them, I just need to take a shower.
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.
Is that a pineapple in your pocket, or are you just….Why do you have a pineapple in your pocket?
Her: Who was your first love?
Me: Debbie.
H: What was she like?
M: She was little.
H: Are you talking about snacks?
M: [mouth full] Maybe.
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!