Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
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This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
Reason to wake up early in the day:
THE EARLY BIRD GETS THE WORMReason to wake up later in the day:
THE EARLY WORM GETS EATEN
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
It was the kind of movie that kept you on the edge of your seat, waiting for something interesting to happen.
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
I just got this twitter error: “The server understood your request but is refusing to fill it.” Apparently, twitter thinks we’re married.
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
1st base: kissing
2nd base: petting
base 10: freaky math stuff
[Grade 6]
TEACHER: You can’t end a sentence with a preposition.
ME: You just did.
TEACHER: What?
ME: Ended a sentence with “a preposition.”
*feeds you Cheetos while running my fingers through your hair*
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
My doctor told me my testosterone level was unusually high. At least that’s what I think he said, I could hardly hear him over the chainsaw.
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
The people who thought I could never pull off wearing a beret owe me an apology.
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.