@Coolisiana

“Alright they’ve left for vacation lets rob em”
Oh shoot their porch lights are on
“So what we literally watched them leave”
Rules are rules

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@KeetPotato

playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”

@cravin4

I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.

@urmumsausername

Now I lay me down to sleep
I hope you like this and retweet
If I should die before I wake
I may have eaten too much cake

@Man_Ona_Ledge

That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.

@jimmytorosian

Avril Lavigne: He was a boy. She was a girl. Can I make it any more obvious?

Me: Yes you could. That is incredibly vague.

@hibbary

Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.

@tomwalkerisgood

there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick

@Lhlodder

My daughter has been asking for more independence lately so this morning I took her out for breakfast and asked for separate checks.

@gummykween

i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.

@suddenlypaula

STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon