Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
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I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
Ants can lift 20 times their bodyweight which is really helpful if you ever need help moving a single blade of grass.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
Community dinner theater is great because sometimes you’re hungry but you also want to see bad acting.
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
PMS is no joke, you guys. I just ate like three bags of Reese’s Pieces.
Oh, and my wife’s really being a bitch.
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
Mom asked me if I would pick up some things for her at the ‘Dime Store’, great, now I’ve got to go all the way to the 70s.
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
[cashier training, day 1]
“Be sure to comment on everything a customer buys. They love that.”
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.