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I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
Parents,
Have you ever tried to go a whole day just saying yes to everything your kid wants or asks for and if so what time did your house burn down? Was it 10am or earlier?
Non-stick pan manufacturers: Do not scrub the pan roughly
Also non-stick pan manufacturers: *will stick their label right in the middle of the pan with glue that never comes off easy*
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
Fortune teller: Your love life will–
Me: Never mind that. Will I ever have a tweet go viral?
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
If Spiderman really did whatever a spider can, he’d scare the shit out of women and get his ass kicked with a flip-flop.
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
All cats can totally do taxes, they just won’t.
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
*at my funeral*
Friend crying over my casket: look they’re burying her in her favorite dress
Me, still dead: it haaasss pockets
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
Does anyone want a free microwave? Contact me. We can talk about how we both want a free microwave
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.
(Raising my hand) When this is all over will I be able to go down to the bar, have a few drinks & meet some attractive younger women?
My wife: For the last time NO!
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.