Alternate reality. 馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ
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Link: [plays ‘Song of Time’]
Zelda: No no that’s all wrong! There’s no E in that melody.
Link: [plays ‘Song of Tim’]
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
I鈥檇 go for a jog but it鈥檚 too [insert current weather].
I’m uncomfortable sharing my feelings with you but completely comfortable standing next to a complete stranger while urinating.
Guys.
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
You can鈥檛 offend me I have teenagers.
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
If the sun is so hot how come it鈥檚 single
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
Worst feelings:
1) Love not reciprocated
2) Hurting someone鈥檚 feelings
3) Disappointing my kids
4) Misgauging where to stop at a red light by a parking lot exit and now I鈥檓 blocking a car trying to turn out and god they won鈥檛 stop staring at me help
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It鈥檚 ok, I鈥檓 taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Go to a botanical garden? Haha, yeah, okay. Like I want to pay money to walk through a giant salad
When someone is talking on their phone in a public restroom, I flush repeatedly
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
Interviewer : On your resume, you have the word “thigh” and it’s blank for 2 years. Please explain.
Me: That’s my thigh gap
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme br没l茅e lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
SISTER: i’m engaged!
ME: awwwwwwwwewwww
SISTER: did you sneak an ‘ew’ in there
ME: 鈥o
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
“Why would you want to live in the Matrix instead the richness of reality, doesn’t make any sense,” I mutter as I reach for my phone immediately after waking up.
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I鈥檓 on the phone.