[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
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The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
[Text]
18: This Hotel wants me to pay for Wi-Fi?!
Me: You do know someone pays for Wi-Fi at home too, right?
He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous “Pet Shop Burglar” had a good day.
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
Cop: “We’ll catch the guy who murdered your husband.”
Tina: “My husband was murdered?!”
Cop: “Shit! Sorry… I have some bad news…”
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
If I were in charge of cranberry juice advertising, every bottle would have a picture of a guy screaming in agony as he passed a kidney stone
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
This TikTok trend might be my favorite so far
DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
Why don’t they just call pot head janitors ‘ High maintenance ‘ ?
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks