[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
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Dentist: No cavities, but looks like you’ve done some excessive grinding at night-
Me: *blushes* Well, my boyfriend is quite sex-
Dentist: Uh, of your teeth.
Email: You are invited to a virtual—
Me: Nope.
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
lobster: [snapping claws menacingly] FEEL MY WRATH, HUMAN
me: [holding 2 rubber bands]
lobster: ah shit
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
The popularity of this combination speaks of a world thus far hidden from me.
Life is a suicide mission.
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one